for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
