this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
