Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
