Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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