i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
