I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
