i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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