People in love make me want to vomit
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
