literally had 100 drinks last night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
