Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
