i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
