I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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