eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
