all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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