Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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