So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
