You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
