Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
