i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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