You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
cat food counts as protein by the way
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
