I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
