shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
