the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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