come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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