Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
