I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
