he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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