She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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