Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
