and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
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I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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