As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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