he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
