I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
