If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Houston, we have a squirter
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
