apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
