Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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