I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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