Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
