My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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