I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
