Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
