Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
