Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
