Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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