I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How many fucks given?
0.12846
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
