my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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