If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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