Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
