I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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