you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
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