Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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