This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
