i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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