you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
