Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
