There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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