I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We need a shit load of segways right now
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
