insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker