What did we do last night that was yellow?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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