my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
