Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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