after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
